C.H.U.D.s move surprisingly fast for being such hairy, shambling beasts. Because of this, should you encounter one, you'll have to move fast yourself-not just on your feet, but in your head as well. What follows are official New York Press techniques for surviving C.H.U.D. encounters.
- Offer them a cigarette. Most C.H.U.D.s are inveterate smokers, preferring unfiltered Pall-Malls.
- If you don't smoke, pat your pockets as if looking for a pack, then say "Wait right here--I think I know where I left them."
- Sing (if you actually think you sing well, all the better). Singing keeps C.H.U.D.s at bay, at least momentarily.
- Avoid tasers. Evidence shows that while high-caliber bullets may kill a C.H.U.D., tasers merely tickle them.
- Carry a large rodent or small dog with you whenever you venture underground, as food offerings are almost as effective as cigarettes with C.H.U.D.s.
- Pretend to be a subway panhandler who's lost his way. Approach the C.H.U.D. with an extended palm and ask if he could "spare any change, a sandwich, a piece of fruit, somethin' to drink," assuring the creature that its help would be most appreciated, as you've been on the streets ever since losing your home in a fire. When approached in such a way, a C.H.U.D. will look down or in the opposite direction, allowing you to pass quietly.
- Use borscht.
*Can't claim this as mine. I found it on the New York Press website [http://www.nypress.com/18/33/news&columns/knipfel.cfm] a while ago. The link is at the VERY bottom and the article itself is a freakin' hoot!
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